In the age of convenience, we’ve extended the same logic to romance. We make lists of non-negotiables and call them manifestations. But what if these lists are just avoidance dressed up as empowerment? Specificity feels like control until it becomes a cage.
What if the narrow scope of what we think we want is keeping us from what might actually be good for us? How much of what we feel is really ours is actually shaped by others? What will my friends, my parents, my Instagram followers think? Does this person fit what they expect of me? At the end of the day, those people aren’t in your relationship. But the line between trusting yourself and listening to feedback can be impossibly blurry.
Letting Curiosity Be Your Guidepost
Overthinking in dating is natural. We all have rich attachment histories, expectations, previous experiences, and self-protective mechanisms. One of the best ways to allow presence and open-mindedness is to let curiosity serve as the driving force.
With curiosity in mind, the question shifts. It’s not “Is this my long-term partner?” It’s not “Do I feel enough chemistry?” It’s not “Do they check all my boxes?” The question becomes: Am I curious about them? Do I want to know more?
In the early stages, you don’t truly know the other person yet. Uncertainty is what keeps us exploring. Certainty this early usually means we’re already projecting, filling in blanks with our ideal version. When we stay honest with ourselves and open-minded, things can unfold. If curiosity and the desire to continue exist, that’s real. Those internal cues don’t need to be analyzed.
The Wounds Behind Your List
Have you ever questioned where your non-negotiables actually come from? If you felt dismissed growing up, you may seek someone nurturing. If a parent was critical, you might chase partners who can give you approval. If you feel unworthy, you may desire someone successful, hoping their stability somehow validates you.
We can use our partners as ways to express ourselves or heal old wounds. Our wounds attract us to certain people because we gravitate toward what feels familiar. What’s unfamiliar, even if it’s good for us, can feel deeply wrong. What’s healthier may initially seem boring or off. That discomfort often masquerades as incompatibility.
The Audience in Your Head
People often aren’t choosing partners for themselves, they’re choosing ones who look good to others. Parents, friends, Instagram. Whose life is it though? Sometimes your list comes from your best friend’s list. She loves that her partner gives her flowers, and you wonder if something is wrong when yours doesn’t. But did you ever actually ask yourself if flowers matter to you?
What You Think You Want vs. What Actually Works for You
When was someone “wrong on paper” but right in practice? When did you overlook a red flag because they checked every box? One person could have everything on your list, yet you’re missing the core feeling of being seen or understood. Those feelings often come from someone who wouldn’t make your list at all.
In manifestation communities, they say “don’t settle. Everything you want exists.” But what if we weren’t meant to get everything? What if what we want leaves us stuck and prevents the growth and learning that actually matters?
Being Open-Minded Without Settling
This is the critical distinction. Openness doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or compromising your actual values. It means asking yourself: Are you rejecting this person because they’re genuinely wrong for you, or because they don’t fit the fantasy?
That’s the real work. That’s staying honest with yourself and open at the same time. We’re so fixated on outcomes that dating for growth and exploration seems like a radical idea. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s what we need. What if instead of searching for our soulmates, we stay open to people who are right for our growth right now?
