We hear a lot about the power of positive thinking. But where’s the line between healthy reframing and toxic positivity? Between finding a silver lining and quietly negating your own experience? When there’s no clean answer, the truth is often somewhere in the middle.
A Small Example
I’m writing to you from an airport, waiting out a travel delay. On one hand, this is an unexpected chance to knock out a few small tasks I’ve been putting off, a silver lining, a way to arrive at my trip feeling caught up and more present. On the other hand, delays are frustrating. An airport isn’t where any of us would choose to spend an afternoon.
It’s a small, low-stakes example, but holding both of those things at once leaves me feeling steadier than if I leaned hard into either one. I could stew in my frustration and make the wait worse. Or I could talk myself out of being annoyed at all, telling myself I should just be grateful. Instead, I let both be true: I’m a little bothered, and I’m genuinely grateful. For the trip, for the company I’m with, for the small things keeping me occupied right now.
When the Stakes Are Higher
It’s easy to practice acceptance over something as minor as a flight delay. It’s much harder when a family member is sick, or when you’ve lost someone you love. Part of you is submerged in grief, barely keeping your head above water. And then, somehow, you share a laugh with your partner, or eat a favorite meal, and feel a small spark of something good.
That spark often arrives with guilt attached. How can I feel happy when they don’t even get to be alive? How can I laugh when I don’t know how much longer I have with them?
We spend a lot of energy telling ourselves how we “should” feel. That instinct usually comes from a well-intentioned place. Choosing our thoughts and redirecting our focus can be genuinely helpful. But being human is more complicated than any single feeling at a time. We’re capable of tears of radiant joy and tears of unfathomable grief, sometimes within the same hour.
No “But,” No “Should”
Next time you notice yourself riding the waves of your emotions, try just naming what’s there instead of resolving it. Name the hard thing. Name the good thing. No “but” connecting them. No “should” correcting them. Just let both sit, side by side.
You’re allowed to be more than one thing at a time. Your experience is allowed to be more than one thing at a time.
Why It’s Harder in a Storm
This is a nice idea, and it gets a lot harder when the emotions involved are big. Take grief. It’s easy to slip into the belief that grief should take up all of your mental space, that giving it anything less is a kind of disloyalty to the person you lost. So when a moment of contentment shows up, it can feel careless, even insensitive.
But grief isn’t the only combination that feels strange to hold. Plenty of people feel intense anxiety in the middle of a vacation or celebration and immediately turn on themselves for it: I should be happy right now.
Give It Your Acceptance
When we stop trying to write an algorithm for how our emotions are supposed to work, we make room to actually feel them, and feelings that are felt tend to move through us. Emotions aren’t the enemy, even when they show up somewhere we didn’t expect. Giving an emotion your acceptance, rather than your judgment, tends to change the way it plays out.
This isn’t a formula for resolving anything, and it doesn’t guarantee peace. But something shifts when you move from fighting your emotions to simply letting them be there.
Try it for yourself. Let yourself be human, in all of life’s messy, devastating, hilarious, tragic beauty.
